Reformed heuristics

Here is my insider guide to some of the different camps within the Reformed movement:

1. Fundy-Reformed
Big Influence: Peter Masters
Bible Version: AV
Favourite Hymn Writer: Isaac Watts
Blog: What's a blog?
Likely to Say: "Beware of those who are given to change!"

2. Trendy-Reformed
Big Influence: John Piper
Bible Version: ESV
Blog: Desiring God
Favourite Hymn Writer: Stuart Townend
Likely to Say: "Hi, I'm a Christian Hedonist. Very happy to meet you, man."

3. Bendy Reformed
Big Influence: Tom Wright
Bible Version: TNIV
Blog: N.T. Wright Project
Favourite Hymn Writer: Graham Kendrick
Likely to Say: "Are you getting in, staying in, or just stopping for tea?"

4. Barthy-Reformed
Big Influence: Karl Barth
Bible Version: Why read the Bible when you have Church Dogmatics?
Favourite Hymn Writer: Martin Rinkar/Tom Waits
Blog: Faith & Theology
Likely to Say: "Being is becoming, if you know what I mean, actually. Now pass the coffee."

5. Clappy-Reformed (Suggested by Andrew Roycroft)
Big Influence: Wayne Grudem and possibly Martyn Lloyd-Jones (well...erm bits of him, maybe). [Oi!]
Bible Version: Varies, but they particularly like revelation, oh and probably the book of Revelation too.
Favourite Hymnwriter: Stuart Townend also.
Blog: adrianwarnock.com
Likely to Say: A variety of things in a variety of tongues, as long as they have an interpreter.

6. Taffy Reformed (Suggested by Martin Downes)
Big influence: The Doctor
Bible Version: AV/NKJV
Blog: Exiled Preacher [The cheek of it!]
Favourite Hymn Writer: William Williams
Likely to Say: "Oh [said with a note of sadness] what we need is re-viv-al, not what man can do". [Amen and bendigeddig to that, boyo!]

7. Dispy-Reformed
Big Influence: John MacArthur
Bible Version: Scofield Reference Bible/John MacArthur Study Bible, ideally a combination of the two in one big bumper Dispy Bible
Blog: Pyromaniacs by MacArthur sidekick Phil Johnson
Favourite Hymn Writer: J. N. Darby
Likely to Say: "If you dis premilenialism, you're gonna have to go through the Great Tribulation. So go on, punk, make my day."

8. Westy-Reformed (Downsie with a little input from yours truly)
Big Influences: The Princetonians/The Trueman Show/Waldorf and Statler
Bible Version: ESV Study Bible
Blog: Reformation 21
Favourite Hymn Writer: Forget hymns, stick a bit of Wagner/Led Zeppelin on and turn up the volume.
Likely to Say: "As for me, I'm simply going to continue sitting in that metaphorical dingy motel room, a cigarette hanging from the corner of my mouth, a glass of bourbon on the bedside table, bashing out copy on my typewriter."

9. Confessy-Reformed (Pure Downsie, well almost)
Big Influences: The Reformed Confessions
Bible Version: Reformation Study Bible
Blog: The Heidelblog
Favourite Hymn Writer: The Holy Spirit/King David
Likely to Say: "You don't get to define Reformed, the Reformed Confessions get to define Reformed. Got it?!" or "Stop calling yourself 'young, restless and reformed' you are 'young, restless and predestinarian'."

Into which category do I fit? None of them really. I don't like being pigeon holed. Like to suggest a grouping all of your own? No sloppy definitions please. Note the strict heuristic rules: All submissions should rhyme with either "Fundy" or "Trendy", or at the very least must end in "y". Got it? Oh, by the way, if I like your suggestion I'll add it to the list.